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History and Spousal Qualities

1. A lot has changed for you since you were married. How do you see yourself different now that you are married? How are you very much the same?

It’s hard for me to objectively think about how I was before we were married to now. I think I am more mature generally and less selfish. My personality hasn’t really changed. I have way less interest in going out and getting drunk with friends now than I did before we were married.

2. What have you learned about your husband (or “men” that you did not know before you were married? What have you learned about your wife (or “women”) that you did not know before you were married?

I’ve learned that I still don’t communicate in the same “love language” as Kate and I think that contributes to most of the problems we have. I have learned that being in a relationship with me has made her feel anxious and unhappy. I’ve learned more about her childhood and how some of my negative characteristics and actions are evocative of what I think are super negative things that happened to her as a child. This is pretty deeply troubling for me.

3. Some marriages are described as “initiator-responder” marriages. Who do you think is the primary initiator or responder with the roles in the table above? Do you wish to make some changes in this?

Reproducing the table with icons as keys:

👨🏻 Adam
👩🏻‍🦰 Kate
Not applicable
⚖️ Pretty equal
💰 Too rich to do this ourselves

Weird marital roles table

👨🏻 Reconciler (quick to forgive) 💰 Gardening and outdoor chores
👨🏻 Initiator in love making ⚖️ Driving the “family taxi”
💰 Money managing and bill paying 👩🏻‍🦰 Cooking the meals
Spiritual leading 👩🏻‍🦰 Primary parent
👩🏻‍🦰 Shopping for clothes and groceries 👨🏻 Earning most of the family money
👩🏻‍🦰 Planning the holidays ⚖️ Helper to others
⚖️ Relating to the in-laws ⚖️ Photographing the family history
💰 Home maintaining 👨🏻 Dealing with neighbours
⚖️ Social scheduling Working the computer
👩🏻‍🦰 Cleaning the house 👩🏻‍🦰 Writing the letters
⚖️ Leadership outside the house
👨🏻 Initiating conflicts

Looking at the table above, I think Kate has the lion’s share of the day to day running of our home. I don’t think I can do any more cleaning and household chores than I currently do (maybe?) because I would genuinely list not having to do that shit as one of the primary reasons somebody should be totally irresponsible and focus their every waking moment on becoming a professional musician. But I would’ve liked to put a ⚖️ against parenting, cooking for each other, planning vacations and household shopping. I want her to feel as though she is married to an equal partner, not that she actually has three children.

4. How does your spouse bring out the best in you? How do you bring out the best in your partner?

She makes me want to be a better person because I genuinely can’t think of a better human being than she is. I’m not feeling too confident in the second part of that question at the moment.