It’s hard for me to objectively think about how I was before we were married to now. I think I am more mature generally and less selfish. My personality hasn’t really changed. I have way less interest in going out and getting drunk with friends now than I did before we were married.
I’ve learned that I still don’t communicate in the same “love language” as Kate and I think that contributes to most of the problems we have. I have learned that being in a relationship with me has made her feel anxious and unhappy. I’ve learned more about her childhood and how some of my negative characteristics and actions are evocative of what I think are super negative things that happened to her as a child. This is pretty deeply troubling for me.
Reproducing the table with icons as keys:
|💰||Too rich to do this ourselves|
|👨🏻||Reconciler (quick to forgive)||💰||Gardening and outdoor chores|
|👨🏻||Initiator in love making||⚖️||Driving the “family taxi”|
|💰||Money managing and bill paying||👩🏻🦰||Cooking the meals|
|❌||Spiritual leading||👩🏻🦰||Primary parent|
|👩🏻🦰||Shopping for clothes and groceries||👨🏻||Earning most of the family money|
|👩🏻🦰||Planning the holidays||⚖️||Helper to others|
|⚖️||Relating to the in-laws||⚖️||Photographing the family history|
|💰||Home maintaining||👨🏻||Dealing with neighbours|
|⚖️||Social scheduling||❌||Working the computer|
|👩🏻🦰||Cleaning the house||👩🏻🦰||Writing the letters|
|⚖️||Leadership outside the house|
Looking at the table above, I think Kate has the lion’s share of the day to day running of our home. I don’t think I can do any more cleaning and household chores than I currently do (maybe?) because I would genuinely list not having to do that shit as one of the primary reasons somebody should be totally irresponsible and focus their every waking moment on becoming a professional musician. But I would’ve liked to put a ⚖️ against parenting, cooking for each other, planning vacations and household shopping. I want her to feel as though she is married to an equal partner, not that she actually has three children.
She makes me want to be a better person because I genuinely can’t think of a better human being than she is. I’m not feeling too confident in the second part of that question at the moment.